Thursday, December 18, 2014

Moving Beyond

Anyone who has been paying attention at all to the world of BRATdom over the past month and a half is well aware of what has happened.  If you're not, I invite you to take a journey over to some of those blogs referenced on the right.    They've done an amazing job discussing the civilian duo who thought that our heritage was challenging, that today's BRATS should be called something else, and that yesterday's BRATS are completely out of touch with what today's BRATS are dealing with (yeah, like a civilian who has never had any military experience, either as a member or a dependent is more in touch because they took a couple of classes. That's not at all FUBAR.)  

But what is next?

How do we, as a community, heal from the very real hurt that has been inflicted?   I take it as an absolute given that Operation CHAMPS is not going to apologize to our community.  They think that they are absolute saints and perfect in every way.  They refuse to look inward at their own missteps, and they refuse to acknowledge that even if their intent was not to cause harm, they have. You'd think that someone from their particular culture would be well aware of this.  That culture focuses on the strength of community, and laws, which may seem odd to an outsider, exist to protect the community as a whole.    There is also a concept of restitution which is very prevalent.   But the biggest obstacle in any of this is admitting the error of your ways -- something I am certain they will never do.  

And if they did, would we, as a community, ever trust them to be faithful and true in their apology?  I don't know that I would, if I am honest.  I'd be looking for their edge, their angle.   I don't trust them not to have one, and I have valid reason for that.  They have been duplicitous and dishonest in their dealings with us.  While they chose to attack our culture, unprovoked, when we called them to task for this assault, they vilified us.   They played the victim card.  They were the ones wronged.   But from my point of view, they had an opportunity to open a dialog with us.    One of them claims to have a degree related to psychology, so I find it rather telling that she was incapable of realizing that the anger she was getting was due to her own action.  She could have apologized, and asked for a dialog then.   Instead, she and her followers chose to deride and insult people who were coming to them, politely..at first.   Rather than saying "Whoa!  I missed something.  Can we talk?"  (which we would have been open to), they accused us of being misinformed about their intent.  

We had direct quotes from an organization printed in several articles and on their own website.  We were not misinformed.

That being said...the way they responded has made it so I am unwilling to dialog with them.  I am unwilling to trust anything they say.   They have proven themselves to be deceitful and underhanded,, disrespectful of the community they claim to want to serve.

But that does not move us beyond this.  Where do we go from here?

I've honestly learned a lot about my culture in the past month and a half.  I understand things that I thought were personal oddities are actually related to the things I experienced growing up as a military BRAT.   This is a good thing.

I discovered that I'm really not the only one who felt, literally, exiled from the community in which I was raised.   Driving past military installations actually hurts because, despite being a member of that community for 21 years, I have been discarded.

In many ways, the military is part of our family, but it is a very dysfunctional one.  We are, in a very real sense, the bastard children it refuses to acknowledge.   I wonder how much of that is because they know that the reality of our childhood had an impact on our adult lives and who we became.  They know that the mission itself caused a lot of strife in so many ways.  

Serving in the armed forces is not all parades.  It is sometimes coffins and wheelchairs and  prosthetic limbs.  It is sometimes unseen injuries.   Sometimes, it is alcoholism and violence.  And there are darker, hidden areas -- where the class system between officers and enlisted comes into play.   Of course, there is also the sexism.     There are a lot of wonderful things about the military, but there is also a lot wrong within it.   Its very nature causes much of these problems.   However, these problems impact the service members. They impact the spouses.  And they most certainly impact the children.

The difference is that the service members and their spouses do have support.   The child?  They quickly learn the mantra "Suck it up, buttercup."

Once a military BRAT reaches a certain age, however, in addition to everything else the military has thrown at them, they are exiled.

The military does not want to acknowledge us.  Acknowledging means accepting some responsibility. While we bear them no blame in many of the issues, understanding that the mission of the military itself is a direct cause....something they can control no more than we, the thing we can hold them to account for is their abject dismissal of us.
 
Service members who approach retirement are given help to transition to a civilian world, which has changed much in the 20 (plus) years they served.    The military dependent, who has never ever navigated this world?  No help at all in navigating this foreign land.   Just "turn in your ID and begone with you"      We are dropped off in a country we don't really know (even though it is our own) with the only home we've ever known closed.  

Is the military dependent sheltered? from many things...yes.  We are oddly sheltered.   We understand war and danger and security procedures.    But we don't really know how to communicate in world where traffic does not come to a stop at 5 pm, where people do not stand up before the movie starts.

We accept immediately that we've been abandoned.   As a fellow BRAT (Marc Curtis) said:  "When they took away our ID, they meant it."  

They don't want anything to do with us.  They don't want to work with BRAT organizations, because BRAT organizations actually know areas where need exists -- and they do not want anything that represents a picture other than a child singing or saluting a flag.

I think the military owes young BRATS access to the aid that can be given, from people who have walked in their shoes.    Young BRATS deserve honesty.   They deserve programs which help them to reach out to one another when they are not in DODDEA schools, and they need programs which give them a safe place to talk about things, their fears, their worries, their stresses -- where their words will not be considered criticism of the military as a whole or their parent and they won't be told to 'suck it up, buttercup.'    

What don't they need?  A civilian pretending to understand them while teaching them what she "knows" about the military.   BRATS already put on a brave face for the rest of the world.  They need a safe place where that mask can come off and they can deal with their emotions.

How many people watch pictures on Facebook of a Daddy coming home from a long deployment and his little girl or boy running to him with abandon?    That's the picture you want to see -- the joy of the reunion.    That's the pretty.

But how many people think of the tears she cried in her pillow, muffling the sound of her sobs because she knew her mother was just as afraid, because she missed her father?  And how many think of the brave face she must put on when she realizes that the man she knew as Daddy has changed so much  that he feels like a total stranger?

It's been documented that psychologists have a hard time helping military members open up about their war time stresses -- because that service member does not feel the doctor understands them.  

Don't young BRATS deserve access to those in our community  who most definitely understand them?  Is it not wrong of the military to deny them access to those of us who came before, who went through this? We may have been raised during a different war, in a different time -- but the fears, the lifestyle...those things have not changed.  

I applaud those who want to help the military child.  I really do. But helping them is not about babysitting, or writing a feel good book.   They don't need songs that say "good bye isn't forever," because trust me when I say it usually is.    They need people who can relate and relate honestly with them.

Those organizations exist.   So the question that should be asked is not why are the military and other organizations supporting those civilian groups....but why are they NOT supporting BRATS?

We're not veterans.   But we're also not civilians.   We're the children of the military.  

Support the troops....but not just by wearing a flag on your lapel or putting a ribbon magnet on your car.

Support their families .... and that includes the children. ...and not just so you can get a sweet photo op.  (And for the love of whatever you swear on that is holy, do NOT post pictures of military BRATS who are overseas on line!   They are targets.)     Support organizations which actually do understand what the military child experiences, and knows the needs that no one will voice.  


Friday, December 12, 2014

Why I'm Proud to be a BRAT

What's a BRAT, you ask?  The short answer is 'child dependent of the people who serve our nation, whether they are in the Armed Forces, civilian service personnel, diplomatic corps (including foreign service and  state department), and educators.'     However, growing up as a BRAT defines a person long past childhood.  

As far as the letters -- BRAT -- it's not a proper acronym.    A proper acronym has an agreed upon meaning.   For example:   USA - United States of America.   If you hear "USA," you know exactly what those letters mean.  The same is not true for BRAT.     That is not to say they do not have meaning -- they have so many meanings, and they are important to us.

The first time I was called a BRAT, my father told me it meant 'Born, Raised, and Trained" .   Military BRATS are Born, Raised and Trained in the military, and that is certainly true.   But I've heard a lot of meanings...and they all resonate with me.   Why wouldn't they?   This is my identity, and these are all words of strength.   When you move every three years (if you're lucky!), and transfer schools even more often, you have to have something constant...an anchor, if you will.

So, what do these letters stand for?

Sometimes, it is a sentence or a saying, like "Born, Raised and Trained."   I have seen "Born, Raised and Traveled," "Born Ready and Traveled,"  and "Born Rough and Tough."   Those are just the sentence ones, and I can assure you -- those are the very definition of a BRAT.  

But sometimes, these letters have meanings:

B - Bold, Brave
R - Responsible, Resilient, Respectful
A - Adaptable, Adaptive, Adjusted
T - Tolerant, Tenacious

I think you can see why we might cling to these adjectives.   They are things we aspire to.   In a world of "suck it up, buttercup," we use those as a mantra.

BRATS have recently added another letter collectively.... S - Spunk!  We are a spunky bunch, and we have to be.

All this is just a little bit of who we are:  as children.

Why is it so important for an adult to cling to this?  It's simple.   Where did you grow up?   Did you have a simple answer, like "Roanoke, Virginia"?    Even if you've left "Roanoke," did not those years help develop you into the person you are today?   You might live in Cheyenne, Wyoming, but you always consider "Roanoke, Virginia" to be home, or at least a part of who you are.  You will always feel comfortable in Roanoke.    I bet you can even rattle off your childhood street address - perhaps even your phone number.

Where did the BRAT grow up?  Everywhere.   We are America's children, spread like seeds in the wind.   We've been all over the globe.   Our hometown IS really our culture...our identity.  We don't have a physical hometown, but we do have a metaphysical one.  

Honestly, we need our name when we're growing up.  We also need it once we've separated.   We cannot go home -- the bases are closed to us.  We've been exiled.   Still, even if we could, even if we could drive down the streets where we once played, there would be no one that we knew there.   No one would remember us -- or anyone we knew.   Our culture is transient in location, but very strong in its bond.

Young BRATS serve this nation from the time they can walk until they reach the age of separation.   They make unrecognized sacrifices every single day -- today's BRATS deal with multiple deployments of one or both parents.  While they have access to communication technology that was not available to the BRATS who came before, they are still sacrificing a childhood of security so that our nation can be secure.     They sacrifice Christmases and birthdays, plays and presentations, playoffs and play dates.   Many of these children have spent less time with their parent than they have apart from them.    Yesterday's BRATS made that sacrifice as well.   And they do this without complaint.   They, like their parents, live Kennedy's challenge:  "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."   They learn to serve this country before they learn to walk.

That sacrifice never stops.   And many, many, many BRATS make another sacrifice -- the loss of a parent in the service of our nation.

What else do BRATS do? When we are abroad, we serve as unofficial ambassadors of this nation.   How many people will ever meet a head of state?  How many will ever have an opportunity to talk to an official ambassador?   Sure, the rich and powerful have those opportunities.   But what about the average person?   Not many.   But a lot of people in those nations have a chance to meet the BRATS (and their families).     We know, from a very young age, that when we are off base, what we do reflects not just on us, or even our parents.   We're representing our nation.   We take that very seriously.   We love our country very intensely, and it is very important to us.  Who do you think we're sacrificing for?  We never forget.

Not while we're growing up.  And not after we separate.  America forgets us though...and that is assuming you ever paid attention to the fact that we also served.  We did not volunteer.   We were drafted with our first breath.   And we are thrown away when we reach our expiration date.

Yet we still love our nation intensely.  

I'm very proud to be an Air Force BRAT.  

There are a lot of ugly things about being a military BRAT -- There is a lack of stability existing outside of our own immediate family.  Some BRATs do not even have that much -- military families are like many others.  Some are supportive and some are extremely dysfunctional.   However, if you do not have the support of your immediate family, BRAT life very very difficult.

I was extremely blessed that my parents were (and are) supportive.   I knew, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that if my father missed something important .... it was not his choice to miss it.     My father went on temporary duty assignments, sometimes for months at a time.   One time, that TDY actually worked to my advantage -- in college! (okay, the TDY got cancelled, but he was supposed to have a TDY at Wright-Pat.   I was in college in Michigan.  My dad was then stationed in Montgomery, Alabama.   Wright-Pat is within a semi-reasonable drive of my college.)   My senior year, the final band concert was during the time he was supposed to be at Wright-Pat.   He had, reasonably, missed all of my college concerts -- and I never bothered asking them to come (I mean... 18 hour drive for a concert?  No.)    But I did ask him to come to this one.   It was a mere 3 hours away.    His TDY got cancelled.   But instead of telling me this, he and my mom did that 18 hour haul for an hour long college concert.  They could have told me the TDY had been cancelled.  I would not have been hurt. I only asked because, for once, he would be close.

In addition to the unspoken but always present knowledge that having a parent in the service brings about a constant threat of loss, many BRATS have to deal with parents who come home and are not the same.   Combat is difficult on people.   But coming home does not end the stress -- it just brings on a different stress.    But BRATS do what BRATS do.... they deal with whatever the military throws at them.  

And there have been a lot of BRATS who, after separation, realized that there is a need to reach out to BRATS of all eras (We each rather identify with an era that defines the experiences we had.   I'm a Cold War BRAT, for example.   I'm very grateful to not have been a Viet Nam Era BRAT -- simply because while they dealt with many things similar to what today's BRATS encounter, they did not have the comfort of a grateful nation to support them.  They had to deal with the stress of a parent in a war zone, and their school mates asking if he was a 'baby killer.'   America owes these BRATS and their families an apology, by the way.  The way we treated our veterans was horrendous, and the way we treated their families was equally so!   I say "we", but I do rather mean those of you who are old enough to have been there!)  

These BRATS have formed clubs to reach out to the kids in civilian schools, so they know they are not alone; they have conducted the longevity studies that other organizations have failed to consider; they have researched and produced works of non-fiction books and documentaries; they have written children's books to help children with deployed parents; they have formed databases; they have worked extremely hard on behalf of BRATS, past and future.   They have done these things without the support of the military or the government.   They have done this with extremely limited support from civilians.     All because these entities do not like the name of our culture: BRAT.

These entities do not recognize or respect that not all BRATS are spoiled.

But we are very proud of our name and our heritage and our legacy.  And woe betide to anyone who tries to take it away.

Here are links to the organizations I was talking about.

Brats without Borders / BRATS: Our Journey Home (documentary)
BratPin
Military Brat Registry
Overseas Brats
Books for Brats

I'm very proud of those who have worked so hard to preserve our legacy and bring us together, giving us a community long after our exile, and let us know that, as always -- we are not alone.  We never were.

We are your neighbors.  We are your co-workers. We are the realtor who sells you your very first home, or the underwriter who approves your loan.  We are writers and actors, lawyers and legislators. We are members of the global community.  We learned who America was by seeing her through the eyes of the world, and we helped them see our nation for the beautiful place and people it can be.

I'm proud to be a part of this community.  I'm proud of the experiences I got to have as a BRAT -- from spending my 18th birthday in Paris, France and London, England to the world class education I received from some of the best teachers in the business.