Moving Beyond

Anyone who has been paying attention at all to the world of BRATdom over the past month and a half is well aware of what has happened.  If you're not, I invite you to take a journey over to some of those blogs referenced on the right.    They've done an amazing job discussing the civilian duo who thought that our heritage was challenging, that today's BRATS should be called something else, and that yesterday's BRATS are completely out of touch with what today's BRATS are dealing with (yeah, like a civilian who has never had any military experience, either as a member or a dependent is more in touch because they took a couple of classes. That's not at all FUBAR.)  

But what is next?

How do we, as a community, heal from the very real hurt that has been inflicted?   I take it as an absolute given that Operation CHAMPS is not going to apologize to our community.  They think that they are absolute saints and perfect in every way.  They refuse to look inward at their own missteps, and they refuse to acknowledge that even if their intent was not to cause harm, they have. You'd think that someone from their particular culture would be well aware of this.  That culture focuses on the strength of community, and laws, which may seem odd to an outsider, exist to protect the community as a whole.    There is also a concept of restitution which is very prevalent.   But the biggest obstacle in any of this is admitting the error of your ways -- something I am certain they will never do.  

And if they did, would we, as a community, ever trust them to be faithful and true in their apology?  I don't know that I would, if I am honest.  I'd be looking for their edge, their angle.   I don't trust them not to have one, and I have valid reason for that.  They have been duplicitous and dishonest in their dealings with us.  While they chose to attack our culture, unprovoked, when we called them to task for this assault, they vilified us.   They played the victim card.  They were the ones wronged.   But from my point of view, they had an opportunity to open a dialog with us.    One of them claims to have a degree related to psychology, so I find it rather telling that she was incapable of realizing that the anger she was getting was due to her own action.  She could have apologized, and asked for a dialog then.   Instead, she and her followers chose to deride and insult people who were coming to them, politely..at first.   Rather than saying "Whoa!  I missed something.  Can we talk?"  (which we would have been open to), they accused us of being misinformed about their intent.  

We had direct quotes from an organization printed in several articles and on their own website.  We were not misinformed.

That being said...the way they responded has made it so I am unwilling to dialog with them.  I am unwilling to trust anything they say.   They have proven themselves to be deceitful and underhanded,, disrespectful of the community they claim to want to serve.

But that does not move us beyond this.  Where do we go from here?

I've honestly learned a lot about my culture in the past month and a half.  I understand things that I thought were personal oddities are actually related to the things I experienced growing up as a military BRAT.   This is a good thing.

I discovered that I'm really not the only one who felt, literally, exiled from the community in which I was raised.   Driving past military installations actually hurts because, despite being a member of that community for 21 years, I have been discarded.

In many ways, the military is part of our family, but it is a very dysfunctional one.  We are, in a very real sense, the bastard children it refuses to acknowledge.   I wonder how much of that is because they know that the reality of our childhood had an impact on our adult lives and who we became.  They know that the mission itself caused a lot of strife in so many ways.  

Serving in the armed forces is not all parades.  It is sometimes coffins and wheelchairs and  prosthetic limbs.  It is sometimes unseen injuries.   Sometimes, it is alcoholism and violence.  And there are darker, hidden areas -- where the class system between officers and enlisted comes into play.   Of course, there is also the sexism.     There are a lot of wonderful things about the military, but there is also a lot wrong within it.   Its very nature causes much of these problems.   However, these problems impact the service members. They impact the spouses.  And they most certainly impact the children.

The difference is that the service members and their spouses do have support.   The child?  They quickly learn the mantra "Suck it up, buttercup."

Once a military BRAT reaches a certain age, however, in addition to everything else the military has thrown at them, they are exiled.

The military does not want to acknowledge us.  Acknowledging means accepting some responsibility. While we bear them no blame in many of the issues, understanding that the mission of the military itself is a direct cause....something they can control no more than we, the thing we can hold them to account for is their abject dismissal of us.
 
Service members who approach retirement are given help to transition to a civilian world, which has changed much in the 20 (plus) years they served.    The military dependent, who has never ever navigated this world?  No help at all in navigating this foreign land.   Just "turn in your ID and begone with you"      We are dropped off in a country we don't really know (even though it is our own) with the only home we've ever known closed.  

Is the military dependent sheltered? from many things...yes.  We are oddly sheltered.   We understand war and danger and security procedures.    But we don't really know how to communicate in world where traffic does not come to a stop at 5 pm, where people do not stand up before the movie starts.

We accept immediately that we've been abandoned.   As a fellow BRAT (Marc Curtis) said:  "When they took away our ID, they meant it."  

They don't want anything to do with us.  They don't want to work with BRAT organizations, because BRAT organizations actually know areas where need exists -- and they do not want anything that represents a picture other than a child singing or saluting a flag.

I think the military owes young BRATS access to the aid that can be given, from people who have walked in their shoes.    Young BRATS deserve honesty.   They deserve programs which help them to reach out to one another when they are not in DODDEA schools, and they need programs which give them a safe place to talk about things, their fears, their worries, their stresses -- where their words will not be considered criticism of the military as a whole or their parent and they won't be told to 'suck it up, buttercup.'    

What don't they need?  A civilian pretending to understand them while teaching them what she "knows" about the military.   BRATS already put on a brave face for the rest of the world.  They need a safe place where that mask can come off and they can deal with their emotions.

How many people watch pictures on Facebook of a Daddy coming home from a long deployment and his little girl or boy running to him with abandon?    That's the picture you want to see -- the joy of the reunion.    That's the pretty.

But how many people think of the tears she cried in her pillow, muffling the sound of her sobs because she knew her mother was just as afraid, because she missed her father?  And how many think of the brave face she must put on when she realizes that the man she knew as Daddy has changed so much  that he feels like a total stranger?

It's been documented that psychologists have a hard time helping military members open up about their war time stresses -- because that service member does not feel the doctor understands them.  

Don't young BRATS deserve access to those in our community  who most definitely understand them?  Is it not wrong of the military to deny them access to those of us who came before, who went through this? We may have been raised during a different war, in a different time -- but the fears, the lifestyle...those things have not changed.  

I applaud those who want to help the military child.  I really do. But helping them is not about babysitting, or writing a feel good book.   They don't need songs that say "good bye isn't forever," because trust me when I say it usually is.    They need people who can relate and relate honestly with them.

Those organizations exist.   So the question that should be asked is not why are the military and other organizations supporting those civilian groups....but why are they NOT supporting BRATS?

We're not veterans.   But we're also not civilians.   We're the children of the military.  

Support the troops....but not just by wearing a flag on your lapel or putting a ribbon magnet on your car.

Support their families .... and that includes the children. ...and not just so you can get a sweet photo op.  (And for the love of whatever you swear on that is holy, do NOT post pictures of military BRATS who are overseas on line!   They are targets.)     Support organizations which actually do understand what the military child experiences, and knows the needs that no one will voice.