Beginning Word Count: 28,971
Well, I took two days off, which, by the rules I established for this blog, means I failed. It could actually be argued I failed earlier in the week when I posted a day with a grand total of 384 words rather than the requisite 1,667. So, I've failed. And that, of course, makes it more difficult to pick back up. I've already "lost" according to my own rules.
However, I do need to get to 50,000 words to earn this year's winner's prizes so that I can use them on my 2009 NaNo edit.
Actually, the good sponsors of NaNo have provided some pretty awesome prizes in the past -- a free proof copy of your novel (that was awesome). 50% off of software....that they let you try for free during the month of November. Write Way did that, and the software IS awesome. Several other really cool things have been offered, but those are the only two I've ever redeemed. And even though I've won NaNo three times, and been a Municipal Liaison for two years, I have never once ordered a NaNoWriMo Winner's Shirt. I do have a mug, which is cute. I just have not loved the design enough to buy one.
So, here on NaNo Number Four, I set myself a different goal. I was supposed to write an entry in my blog, here at The Stained Glass Station Wagon, every single day from November 1 through November 26. Every day. And I did it for fifteen solid days. It was hard some times. I do consider that one day was a fail, because I had actually committed to writing at least 1,667 words every day. I only posted a paltry 384, but I did at least post that day. Then on November 16, I could not force myself to write. I just could not. The same thing happened on November 17. I was supposed to write every single day, but I did not.
I failed.
Okay. Picking up, dusting off, and plodding on for another 21,029 words. I can do it. I've done it before. It's just a matter of seriously opening the writing screen and being bloody minded to keep going until I get to the goal.
So:
Saturday goal: 1,667 actual? 0
Sunday goal: 1,667 actual? 0
Monday goal: 1,667 who knows. But the end result is that I've got a lot of words to make up. I am three thousand three hundred and four, to be precise. And that means that today, I must write five thousand and one words.
This is, of course, me being bull headed. The NaNo Goal for the end of today is 30,006. If I write the mere one thousand six hundred and sixty seven to keep me on target, I will still be ahead. By NaNo math, my two days off did not put me behind. However, since I techncially need to finish by November 26, I am behind. FAR behind. I should be keeping to a goal of 1,924 per day, not 1,667, since I do not have those last four days. By the end of today, I need to actually be at 34,632. And that means I need to write five thousand six hundred and sixty one words to keep on goal.
So, for the first time ever in my NaNo career, I'm behind. Okay, I've just established that I am not, but I really truly am. See, NaNo makes you nuts!
I've procrastinated -- something I'm completely unfamiliar with during NaNo. During November, I make a contract with myself to plow through this, no matter what. Every day I have an appointment with my computer and I write. Not writing is not acceptable. And my husband has been very supportive of that. If he wants to do something and I say: "I still have my NaNo to do." He says, "that's important. You should do that." He treats it with that level of importance, and having that support is very important. I cannot say I do not have support. He has been extremely supportive of this endeavor since the very first year. I'm very lucky to have that much support from him. (Honestly, NaNo can be a little annoying to other members of a family, because it takes up a lot of time.)
So, the reason I've been procrastinating? I wrote up a scheduled of what I should be writing and when I should be writing it. Saturday, November 16, was the day I was to tackle the POS and write the final missing scene. In other words: I was supposed to finish the POS of everything I personally know needs to be done on Saturday. The whole reason for me tormenting myself this year was to get the winner's prizes for the POS. And I'm freaking out about putting the final touches on this thing.
Because that means I then must recruit some people whose opinions I value to read this with a critical and honest eye and tell me whether I should even think of taking it to the next level. Basically, I am getting to the point where I must ask someone to tell me, honestly, if my baby is ugly. I'm not opposed to a little bit of work on it, editing and all. I know that edits can strengthen a story. Sure, they are a pain in the neck, but ultimately, truly working with a good editor can take a story from average to amazing. And being honest enough with yourself to be willing to hear the criticisms is essential to the editing phase of story crafting. I've been fortunate enough to work with someone once who taught me that. I was proud of the story I sent her initially for review. But after she was done with her comments and I was done with my final edits, I was immensely proud of the story. And I could see it was like taking a black and white sketch and turning it into a beautiful painting. The two stories are similar, but one has clearly grown up and matured and meets its best potential.
So I am not afraid of edits. I'm more afraid someone will tell me it is not worth the effort it will take to make it worthy. I want to hear from Simon. I want the unvarnished honesty. Do I pursue it? Or do I find out that this story is worthless? And what do I do if this thing is worthless? Obviously, I've not done anything with it yet -- but that has been my decision. If it is totally worthless and unredeemable, that will be something I don't want to hear.
And I think that is what has intimidated me. I've done this before...worried myself about the potential failure so much that I did not give the potential success a chance to flourish.
Many years ago, I wanted to go and get a Master's Degree. I started to study for the GRE, and before I actually signed up, I got it into my head that if I took the GRE and did poorly, I would not be able to get into a good graduate program. If I didn't get into a good graduate program, I would not be able to get into a post-graduate program. I worked myself up into a right good panic by placing so much emphasis on the importance of this test, so much so that I knew taking it would be a mistake at that point. I had panicked about it to a point where it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Years later, a local university offered a graduate class I wanted to take, and I could get in provisionally for that class. In order to be accepted to the program, however, I had to take that stupid test. I took the class. Then I took the test and aced it. The thing though: there was no risk involved. The score I had to get was not out of bounds (even if I did panic), and with an A in a class already within the program, I was pretty much guaranteed acceptance.
But I was right. The university I went to had a good graduate program, but not one that allowed me to really, truly focus my course of education. Because it was small, there was usually only one English course offered per semester at the graduate level (eventually that became two), and because of the degree requirements...with certain required courses only being offered once a year, it became imperative that whatever required course was taken when offered, and then English courses pursued.
So when I was ready to apply for a Ph.D., I took the GRE again, this time with the Subject Matter addition. And, quite honestly, I sucked. I'm not a risk taker. The questions on that test are not just points for what you answer correctly. It was a loss of points for missing things. I answered about 40 percent of the questions, and missed four. If I said I knew it, I knew it. But I didn't answer enough questions to get an acceptable score for acceptance in a Ph.D. program. And I saw no reason to take the test again. My risk taking was not going to increase. Therefore, my score on that matter would not get much better.
Some people are amazing risk takers, and others cringe at the thought. We prefer the safety of what we know. However, this NaNo is my risk. I've got to finish the POS. I've got to get it to the point where it can go stand on its own for a bit and wobble around to see how it does. It cannot hide in safety on my computer forever. That is no different than languishing as an outline for twenty years.
This is why picking up my keyboard, opening up Write Way, and working on that story today is both hard and essential. Yes, I've failed my blog task.
I let myself fail my blog task. I can say "I was tired." But I've written tired before. I've refused to go to bed without meeting my goal every other year. I've never taken a day off until done before. I know why I failed now. The question is: armed with that knowledge, can I overcome it? Can I plow forward? Will I sabotage myself later on so that I do not get the prizes? And if I do, will I spend the pittance of money that the prize is actually worth? That's the rub: the prize is one that is more of a feeling of accomplishment than a huge monetary value. These proof copies do not cost any more than any other paperback book. (that's kind of awesome, if you ask me.) So the cost is not insurmountable.
However, it is a boost to have earned them. And anyone who has ever written a book knows this. I mean, you have to write it in order to even be able to order a proof copy.
But no! I am not allowed to talk myself out of the remaining 21,029 words. Those must be produced. I've made a contract with myself. And I did fail. But I can try again. November is not over. So, no more excuses.
So, the blog failed, tried to fail. But am I going to win NaNo? "For the POS!" (You can imagine me shouting with my arm raised over my head. You should totally shout back, with a fist pump: "The POS!". I'm just saying.)
(And by the way, that above is 1,935. So, Saturday has been made up. I still have to make up Sunday before I can even start on Monday's words. And yes this is being included in my total word count!)
Now.... off to Write Way. I'll be back when that has been properly attacked.
Okay, 1,653 words have been written on the POS. The last missing scene is finished. Scary.
Okay, for the final bit for today, I'm going to read a Tarot Spread for myself. At the start of this, I have no idea how the cards read, what they have to say. I'm using a Celtic Cross Spread, which is a very traditional Tarot spread. It is also probably the most well known. The Celtic Cross is a ten card spread.
I am the questioner on this particular reading, and my question is more of a general out come for the near future. As many know, we moved recently from Montgomery to Birmingham. Recently, dear friends moved from Montgomery to across country, so we will not be able to visit with them as frequently as possible. At present, my hsuband and I have not really ventured out and met people in Birmingham. I also have a house on the market for sale in Montgomery. So there are a lot of balls in the air, so to speak. That being said, let's get to the Tarot Spread.
I am also using the Shadowscapes Tarot by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law -- it is a beautiful deck that I highly recommend. The colors are both vibrant and muted. They are very evocative of dreams. This particular reading is my first Celtic Cross reading with this deck. It's not a completely new one; however, I've not used it a lot. There will be no reverse readings (readings which reflect when the card is in the upside down version. The cards are currently all in the upright position.
A little bit about this deck. As with all Tarots, the cards are broken into several sets. There are the Major Arcana and the Minor Arcana. The Major Arcana consists of twenty one cards, which represent archetypes. The Minor Arcana consists of four suits: Wands, Pentacles, Cups, and Swords. In the Shadowscapes Tarot, each of these suits are also defined by one of the elements. Wands is representative of Fire. Pentacles is representative of Earth. Cups is representative of Water. And Swords is representative of air. What I have read about tarot indicates that the more cards of the Major Arcana in a reading, the stronger it is.
The first card. In the Celtic Cross, this card represents me. The card is the Three of Swords. In this particular deck, the Three of Swords shows a very sad image. The background is a silvery purple. A swan has been impaled by three different swords, while above it hovers a bleeding heart in a stone circle. Oddly enough, according to the reading, the Three of Swords represents grief and heartbreak. It shows a feeling of loneliness, separation, and isolation. However, the swan is also not dead, simply impaled. To overcome the pain, the swan is weaking the heart and cleansing. Torment is draining away, before it can lift its wings to dance in the sky again. I find this interesting, not because there is betrayal, but there is separation and isolation. I'm not lonely, because I do have my husband, but I do miss having my friends nearby.
The second card. This card represent the conflict. The card is the Ace of Swords. This card is one that on first look seems awe inspiring. The background is mostly purplish silver, but the center has a yellow field. There is a single sword surrounged by three swans and multiple butterflies. The yellowish field in the background seems to be illuminating the sword. The card itself relates that a sword can be double edged. It could represent the swift assurance of justice, clearing away obstacles standing in the way of truth. Or it can be wielded with arrogance and anger. There are new beginnings seen in this card, and the Ace of Swords must slice one way or the other. To me, it sounds as if there are decisions and paths opening up, and finding the right way is what the beacon must aid with. There are a lot of decisions going on here, not with relationship, but with other things. And the wrong one or right one can make a difference. The card makes sense to me, even if I'm not revealing everything here.
The third card. In the Celtic Cross, the card in this position represents the foundation or the situation. The card is the Nine of Pentacles. This card is very organic feeling. A woman sits on a snail, playing a piano in the middle of the forest. Through the body of the piano, a tree has sprung forth. Hanging between the branches is a stained glass window with a star (or pentacle). There are lots of greens painted on this card, and it feels almost as if there is a mist rising. The card represents a balance between the material and the spiritual. The card conjures the notion that one can rely on oneself and trust one's instincts. In the foundation is a card that shows an appreciation and understanding of the wealth that is already possessed.
The fourth card. In this position, the card represents the past and shows the influences that affect the situation. The card in this position is The Chariot. It is also the first card of the Major Arcana appearing in this reading. This is a card that evokes the feeling of Atlantis, the lost city of the sea. In the background is a city hidden in clouds. In front of that is a woman being driven on a chariot over the waves. Swimming in the foreground are turtles and crabs. The meaning is a triumph over obstacles and achieving victory, focusing intent and will. To me, this is a reference to why we moved in the first place: I earned a promotion at work, which eventually led to a relocation.
The fifth card. The card in this position represents the immediate future, what is likely to happen next. Please note: this is not the answer to the question. The card in this position is the Page of Cups. The Page of Cups depicts a scene from under the sea. A mermaid holding a cup filled with a gold liquid sits on a snail. Surrounding her are flowing sea weeds where fish are swimming in and out and the floor of the sea bed is purple and covered with smaller snails. This is a sentimental card, romantic at heart. She ultimately longs for and listens to the still voice from deep inside and believes in the impossible. Basically, the immediate future brings a listening phase, not an action phase.
The sixth card. The card in thsi position, the King of Swords, represents the crown...the desired outcome. The King of Swords is another purply-silver background card, evoking stone. An angelic man sits on a pedastal, leaning on a post with an owl at the top. Ravens fly from beside his feet and under his boot is a skull. off to the side is a picture of Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man. He is the blending of art and science, the symmetry of the yin and yang, truth seeker, and royal, balance. The end result is balance. This also makes sense to me, but I will not elaborate further.
As is traditional, the final four cards have been placed upside down, so I cannot see wha they are at present. I will turn them over right before I read them.
The seventh card. The card in this position is representative of myself -- how I view myself in the present position. The card is the Knight of Pentacles. This is another very organic card. The Knight rides a dragon through the forest. A sheild with a pentacle imprinted on it hangs over the side of the dragon. The knight represents a methodical and thorough person. Each situation is fully assessed before any changes are made. Very conservative, while it appears the knight does not have creativity, but that is not true -- it is that there is value placed on the success. Implacable in pursuit of goals.
The eighth card. This card is representative of the environment and the influences of those around me. It also shows how others view the situation. The card is the Eight of Pentacles. The suit of pentacles in this deck is very organic. Deep green permeates the background, in the foreground is a branch and a twig, where a spider has drawn a web. Within the strands of the web are captured eight lighted pentacles. This is someone who possesses great patience and who is attentive to details. A practical applicateion of intellect and skill to see a task from the start to the finish.
The ninth card. A card in this position represents Hopes and Fears. The card is the Page of Wands, and it evokes the feeling of living fire dancing. A woman stands beside a tree, as foxes cirlce her feet and pixies fly around her. She plays a violin as the wind whips her hair upwards. Creative and passionate, witty, charismatic and outspoken with philosophy. She knows her mind and is direct. She is the fiery spark of initiative. She is sparking towards action, which she knows the most rewarding ones are the ones which push you to the limits of your comfort.
And the final card, the tenth card. A card in this position is the outcome, what is most likely to happen if nothing changes. It is the Two of Swords. The card feels like cold earth. purple silver background wash. In the foreground, a swan sits on a tree, heart dangling from the tree on a string. A cloaked figure with crossed swords stans at the base of the tree. This card represents a stalemate. Neither option can progress while neither will compromise. The card is a call to learn to compromise or listen more deeply.
So, today has been an interesting, as far as writing is concerned. Technically, to get where I need to be at the end of the day, I have another few hundred words. My Tarot reading does make sense to me. I explored a little bit of why I panicked and skipped. And, I finished my POS. I do have a blog post where I plan on talking about my POS a little bit, so when I do that, I'll tell you a little bit about the poor thing that has been given the awful moniker.
In the meanwhile, I have a cat snuggling up to me, asking to be petted and not understanding that Meowmy needs to write another two hundred words. I'm almost caught up to where I should be, had I written my requisite minimu on the two skipped days. See, procrastination causes a major nuisance to fix. However, I am above the technical point I needed to be at today, and I think I'll call it. I have done a lot of writing today, and am no where near as far behind as I could be.
Today's Word Count: 5,483
Total Word Count: 34,454 (Goal: 34,632 - missed, but not by much)
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